Apologies from inside of me

I’m sorry I wasn’t brave enough
But the cut runs deep on unconscious memory
It might not be enough to entitle me 
to speak publicly
When even law enforcement refused to believe me
Still they took evidence
Stripped my bed of the sheets he was never welcomed in
friends had no sympathy
Instead they ran my mental faucet on 
“YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE a, b, and c”
Until my mind was flooded with mistake
still no memory

I never received an apology,
from the boy I sought friendship from
I was a kite blinded by my own sun
But maybe boys are not meant to be our friends
Maybe the division between us that began in grade school is not far removed from where we are today

All I know is that I want to avoid all of them
When they smile at me it’s as if you’re sharpening their knives and forks against my skin
And my heart races,
knowing all they crave is to taste the day they can take a bite of me
There have been so many,
who disregarded all the hard work I have put in
To cease the tears,
to trust again.

I hope this get easier
I hope I can find fresh air inside an elevator alone with a man i don’t know
Like a normal person
Because until then,
it is like an endless chase
where I cant seem to run further away from the distress
until misogyny is put to rest

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