You will see me at the back
dressed in black lace
the dress you bought on my birthday
I distracted myself when you were sick
I turned hunger into a game
a contest that will always stay with me
unlike you

you are not a disorder ringing me dry– claws digging into the skin of my back
you were human, flesh brilliantly made from star-dust
the very essence of my being
which drains at the site of you,
now perished.

holding you in sand, just dust inside my palms
which ache, knowing they will never reach out to you again-
ashes that smell like your sweat from tennis matches

where is the lighter note?
the humor you’d insert mindlessly
How do I exist without the body that created me?

I am left in shambles,
dragging my feet across the floor boards, without your tone distressed by my heaviness

now the years tick on,
I am told to misplace the grief you have undoubtedly left me with
so striking, I become numb
But these days I just want to feel something or someone,
warm sun on my skin,
a lover to touch my soft edges
that have never felt so heavy

you keep sinking beneath the pacific sea when I dream
I picture our dysfunctional family, boarding a jet to wherever you may be
childish fantasy,
hopefully will come to grips with this unfair reality
when I am ready


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