My internal progress has been remarkable lately. I have chosen to dye my hair back to its original color, work out every other day and meditate daily– all of which are challenging to maneuver but worse to miss out on. It is common place that I conjure my mistakes, and find my mind attempting to simplify the consequences/ reevaluate decisions that really can only be made once. BUT i am mostly pleased with my journey because I am moving forward and despite the slow rate, it has only been 5 months that I have been back in the cities, and 9 months since I left a made-up life I was suctioned into by my own greed, grief, confusion and lack of self care. So, now where am I at?
Currently sitting on the edge of my tiny bed that my girlfriend once slept on as a teenager, sipping my favorite flavor of La Croix (grapefruit) and listening to the church bell greet the half hour.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and its as if I am looking into the eyes of a lifelong partner; we share a small, chesty chuckle in memory of the past, and then carry on to the present moment.
I wonder if I should forget, blame, forgive, pretend it never happened, bring it up to sound like I am evolved , or never mention anything EVER because it was often unkind. But I realize there are worse stories, and I have had a blessed life, despite the set backs.. and this makes me thankful.
It’s the end of August. Summer went by so quickly. It felt mostly like I was trying to so hard to swim, almost limbless, head above water but for the most part it has been wonderful to fall in love again. (More on this later)
It’s time for red wine.